Oh no.
But a recent conversation that I had with one of my well-respected mom friends, and some research on my part, had me rethinking our whole outlook and "plan" for having "the talk".
(This video cracks me up, because I can see
myself in every single one of these parents.)
In our house, we talk about penises and vaginas as if they were an arm or a leg. Has it always been this way?
Nope.
For the first three years of our now 6-year-old's life, we referred to a vagina as a "who-ha", and a penis as a "pee pee" and/or "wee wee".
Yeesh.
Lesson learned, and we now refer to these body parts by their proper names.
So, why did we decide to have "the talk" with our 6-year-old? I mean, 6 is REALLY young, and does she even need to know what sex is at this age?! It seems like a little bit of a mature subject matter for our "baby".
I was actually at a playdate with a couple moms, one of whom is a psychologist and just an all-around amazingly intuitive human being. She's married and has two kids, who are both fantastically well-rounded little humans. She told me about a seminar she recently attended, where the speaker talked about having "the talk" with your kids between the ages of 5-7. The reason: Kids get the "gross out" factor, and start tuning parents out once they reach age 8. At age 5-7, kids are genuinely curious, and are able to absorb and retain facts, without getting "grossed out". Plus, the older they get, the higher the risk of having your kids hear about sex from their peers, which is almost always the wrong information.
So, when our 6-year-old (who, mind you, JUST turned 6) asked on a car ride home from Target, "Mom, how did the baby in your belly, get there?", I knew this was the point of no return. I could either give her the "God gives us babies" talk, or have "THE talk". I choked back my nerves, and gave her a boatload of information. Now, THIS is one of those moments when I wish my life was a reality show, because I'm sure all the flies on the wall were having a joyous time watching me TRY to keep my composure and act mature.
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| Baby Saigh #3... The little one who sparked this BIG conversation. |
6-year-old: "Mom, how did the baby in your belly, get there?"
Me: "How do YOU think it got there?"
6-year-old: "I don't know, that's why I'm asking you."
Me: "{Dammit} Well {deep breath}, babies are made when a mom and dad who truly love each other, have sex. Do you know what sex is? {Errrrr mah guuuuuurd, is this really happening?! There's no turning back now!}
6-year-old: "No."
Me: "Well, sex is how a baby is made. When a married couple who really love each other are ready to have a baby, they have sex. The dad puts his penis into the mom's vagina, and the dad's penis releases tiny sperm. The sperm kind of look like tadpoles, but are very tiny, and they swim to the egg that's inside the mom's body. The sperm fertilizes the egg, and that egg grows into a baby. Isn't that amazing?! {I was literally dying inside, and seriously wanted to drive off the road.}
6-year-old: "But how does the penis get inside the vagina?"
Me: {OMG, I can't.} "Well the dad's penis just goes in there. But that is only ok when a mom and a dad are in love, want to make a baby, and they're married. {Changing the subject} You know what's really cool?! Every month, a mom's body releases an egg... A tiny egg that you can't see without a microscope... And that egg can turn into a baby. Isn't that amazing?!"
6-year-old: "So you lay an egg like a chicken every month?"
Me: {THANK YOU, my darling 6-year-old for lightening up this awkward conversation!} "Hahahaha, no, but wouldn't that be funny?! Actually, the tiny egg just comes out in my pee if it doesn't turn into a baby." {I'm choosing to tackle one subject at a time. Periods and "the change" talk will come later.}
As we drove home, the two of us laughed at the thought of me laying eggs like a chicken each month, and I let Linna ask me any follow-up questions she had. Her questions were all about the size of a mom's eggs. She wanted to know EXACTLY how big they were. She didn't have any other "how does 'that' get in 'there'" questions... PRAISE SWEET BABY JESUS!
I made sure she knew that sex is something we talk about at home, and that it's NOT something we talk about with our friends, cousins, etc. I reiterated the importance of keeping private parts, private, and how no one is ever able to touch her body in a way that makes her uncomfortable. This is SUCH an important conversation to have, as often as you can. I also made sure that Linna knew she could always feel comfortable asking us about anything, and that she should never feel embarrassed to talk to us about whatever is on her mind.
I have to admit, although I was incredibly uncomfortable having this conversation with my 6-year-old, I'm SO happy that I did. I'm pretty sure Papa Saigh is even happier that he didn't have to be a part of it. However, after our "talk", I did have Papa Saigh let Linna know that she could ask him about anything, anytime.
So, there you have it. I know there are going to be a hundred different opinions on this subject, and even a hundred more judgments about how we decided to tackle "the talk". But, here's the deal: Sex shouldn't be a topic that's avoided (even though it's SUCH an awkward conversation). Especially if you want your kids to be able to come to YOU when they have questions about things they are hearing at school. As much as we want the topic of "sex" to stay within the confined walls of our homes, that's just not going to happen. Kids talk.
One of my mom-friends uses the term "fairy eyes", which I think is incredibly precious. Trust me, I'd love for my children to waltz through this world with "fairy eyes", but that's not reality. And, in the long-run, it's doing nothing to prepare them for their natural curiosity. When my kids get curious, I want me or Papa Saigh to be the first person they come to.
According to Deborah Roffman, the author of "Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids' Go-To Person About Sex", kids have 5 core needs when it comes to sexuality: Affirmation and unconditional love, information about healthy and unhealthy behaviors, clarity about values such as respect and integrity, appropriate boundaries and limits, and guidance about making responsible and safe choices. This isn't rocket-science, but great things to keep in mind as our kids grow up right before our eyes.
So, have you had "the talk"? How did it go? Or, how do you plan on handling the topic of "sex" with your kids?
* Note: I'm not an expert (duh). I'm just a mom trying to survive motherhood, one difficult topic at a time. Where's the wine?!