Thursday, September 17, 2015

A different connection.

Mama Saigh (30 weeks), "The Bump", and the photo-bombing 4-year-old.
From the moment I found out that our first baby (Linna) was going to be a girl, I fell head over heels in love with the little human growing inside my body. I was just 19 weeks pregnant, but we already had her name picked out, clothes and furniture bought, and nursery started. I talked to her every day that she was in my belly, sang to her, and she quickly became me and Papa Saigh's entire world.

This time around, things are very different.

During this second pregnancy, we've decided to wait until the birth to find out the baby's gender. I'm not sure if it's the fact that we've decided to wait, or that we've had SO much going on during this pregnancy, but I just don't feel the connection to this baby, as I felt when I was pregnant with Linna. I rarely talk to Baby Saigh #2 like I did with Linna, I don't think I've ever sang to this baby, and I just don't feel like I know this little person. Maybe it's because this is my second pregnancy, which definitely doesn't come with the "thrill" of the first pregnancy, but I really hope that the connection I felt with Linna happens when I meet this little boy or girl. Sometimes I feel bad for not being infatuated with this baby like I was with Linna. I remember that even before Linna was born, Papa Saigh used to fly in the door after work and spend an hour talking and singing to my belly, just so he could feel Linna move. He cried when he found out that he was going to have a little girl, and when he felt his daughter kick for the first time. Not so much with this baby. I would take warm baths every night after work, while singing to Linna inside my belly, and cry at the thought of the day that I'd finally get to hold her in my arms. Again, not so much with this baby. Baby Saigh #2 is probably cowering inside my belly, listening to me raise my voice at Linna, or listening to me have a meltdown over Papa Saigh not being in the same country as us, having to live in my parents' basement, etc., thinking, "What the hell am I getting myself into?!".

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love this baby growing inside me, but not knowing ANYTHING about him or her makes our connection... different. Papa Saigh and I wanted this baby so badly, tried for months to get pregnant, and were heartbroken to find out that I miscarried a few months before this baby was conceived. When I found out that I was pregnant with Baby Saigh #2, Papa Saigh and I were over the moon. But I don't know if we were more excited about the thought of having a little baby again, or the idea of Linna FINALLY becoming a big sister. While every pregnancy is special, the "sparkle" is just different the second time around.

Until we meet this little person, I think our world will simply continue to revolve around our first born. I often wonder how in the hell I will ever love another human like I love my Linna. I cry just thinking about that. While I'm excited to add to our family, part of me is sad to see Linna's life as an only child come to an end. Everything Papa Saigh and I do is for Linna. We've both admitted that if the three of us were on a sinking ship, and only two of us could survive, we'd have to draw straws to see who would get to carry on with Linna. What uplifting conversations we have, huh?! It's incredible how much two people can be so disgustingly in love with a person, but Linna is honestly our everything.

Every parent with two or more kids has told me that a mother loves all of her children equally, but the love for each child is just different. While I know that I will love this baby just as much as I love Linna, I recently told my mother-in-law that Linna will always be my favorite. I'm sure I will eat those words one day when this baby is old enough to read this blog:) But it's been just me, Linna, and Papa Saigh for four years, so this will be a big change for all of us.

I'm happy that we waited until Linna was "older" to have a second child, and I am so thankful that I could devote all of my attention to her for the last four years. Linna and I have the most incredibly special relationship. Again, I'm crying just thinking about the bond we have. I'm really sad to see that change. But I know how much the three of us are eager to fill this missing spot in our family puzzle. While we have so much going on during the last 10 weeks of this pregnancy (we close on our new house on October 2nd, Papa Saigh gets back from Singapore on October 10th, getting settled before the baby arrives, etc.), I am really trying to enjoy and appreciate this pregnancy (minus the pregnancy insomnia, acid reflux, aches, pains, etc.). Papa Saigh only wants two kids (I would have 50), so this pregnancy will most likely be my last. I am so beyond excited to meet this little baby, so we can experience our first born becoming a big sister, and form a special connection with the newest addition to our family.

I love you, little baby! We ALL do.

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