Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Bringing baby home & getting hit by the "feelings truck".

3-day-old Baby Jimmy and his Big Sister Linna. So much love.
Monday afternoon, we brought Baby Jimmy home from the hospital. We spent two and a half days at Ridgeview Medical Center in Waconia, and when we got home, I was hit by a truck of emotions.

I'm being very careful about watching for signs of postpartum depression this time around, as I had it pretty bad with Linna. But last night, I don't know if it was the hormones, the fact that we were finally home, the exhaustion, or the overwhelming amount of love I was experiencing, but I had a good, long cry.

Papa Saigh and his mom took Linna to dance last night, so Baby Jimmy and I curled up in our bed, and I just let the tears flow. I was feeling EVERYTHING. I felt sad when I looked in the mirror, and didn't see my big pregnant belly. I felt overwhelming happiness watching our 4-year-old love up on her baby brother. I felt frustrated and annoyed by all the unfinished projects we have going on in our house. I basically just... FELT.

There's something about birth that unleashes an incredible amount of emotions in me. I wasn't a very sensitive person before I had my first baby, but these babies have turned me into a puddle of mush. Last night, Linna was being difficult around dinner time (she's been "challenging" since she turned 4), so I made her leave the table and go upstairs. She threw a fit, pushing all of my buttons, and I completely lost it with her, raising my voice more than I would have liked. Ok, I yelled at her. I made her go to bed early, but laid with her for a few minutes like I always do before she goes to bed. As we laid there, she put her hand on my face and whimpered "I love you, Mama. More than anything."

Cue Kim Kardashian ugly cry.

I laid with Linna in her bed, and cried. I cried because of the way I yelled at her. I cried because of how sweet my baby girl is. I just cried. Every emotion I was feeling came pouring out in the form of tears, and I told my daughter how much I loved her. I told her that the tears I was crying were happy tears, and that she and her baby brother made my heart feel so much happiness. I laid with her until she fell asleep, and then made my way to the bathroom to finish my cry in the tub.

I needed that cry.

I feel ya, little guy. Just cry it out.
I felt so honest with myself. I could breathe, and felt like a new person. I know my hormones are all over the place, and talking with other moms who experienced this same wave of emotions has been comforting. Unlike when Linna was born, I'm accepting the help that's being offered to us, and think I am so much more "relaxed" this time around. Finding our family's new normal has been challenging, but I am feeling so incredibly lucky to be the mama of a perfect baby boy, and one amazing little girl.

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